To Feel Normal Again

February 7, 2010 at 3:10 am (Healthcare, Job Satisfaction, working midnights) (, , , )


Tuesday I saw the doctor about my blood pressure.  I had gotten off my midnight at 9am and had to stay up for the appointment at 10:45.  My BP was high, but not dangerous.  Still, the doctor was concerned enough to put me on medical leave until I had some tests and she re-evaluated the situation in a week.  I had an EKG in the office and had to schedule and echocardiogram and some lab work.  I will also have to wear a heart monitor for a month, but that has not come yet.  The hospital waited 2 days to phone my insurance about it and they have still not heard from my insurance company.  Sure would be easier if everything were centralized, but anyways…

After my appointment I went to HR to turn in my doctor’s note and phone my boss.  Then I spent an hour on the phone talking to 3 different departments at the hospital to set the appointment, pre-register for my heart monitor, and pre-register for the echo and lab work, each one separately, each one requiring my name, address, insurance info, work info, and Josh’s work info.  *sigh*

Then I had to run over to the hospital to turn in the order for my heart monitor (did I mention that has not arrived yet?).  As I was driving away from the hospital I was making a tight turn and ran into broken, jagged curb which I found out a day later had punctured the tire wall and we now need new tires.  *argh!*  Just one hour before I found the flat I recieved a call from the hospital stating that my portion of the echo would be $600 and would I be able to pay it tomorrow?  There go our hopes of paying off our debt this month.

I didn’t finally get to sleep until about 3pm.  I was up for longer than 24 hours on just a few hours of sleep after the previous midnight.

On the day I found the flat tire I was actually on my way to a mandatory staff meeting.  It was one hour and it wasn’t actual work.  It was mandatory so I thought I should still go.  At the meeting no one looked at me.  No one talked to me.  I felt like a peon.  After I got home I got a call from HR saying “You can’t do that!”  My boss had called HR (after the meeting) and said she just didn’t know what to do when I arrived, that she didn’t want to just send me home.  I think I would have preferred that she send me home.  Or she could have said, “I’m not sure you can be here on medical leave.  Let me phone someone.”  I didn’t care to be there anyways.  And I felt like an idiot.

So it was a rough week, but it has also been a wonderful week.  I feel like I have my life back.  I feel like a normal human being again.  I feel happiness and contentment and I have a desire to do the things I enjoy and I have energy to do household duties.  I hadn’t realised the extent of what these last 6 months had done to me.  In retrospect I was the frog in the pot of water as it got hotter and hotter, not fully realising it had been at boiling point for some time.  It was like I was in a cave with a candle, watching the flame grow dimmer and dimmer, not fully realising that my oxygen had been running out.  I now feel like a thick, heavy, dark cloud has been lifted from me.  I can see.  I can breathe.

and i DON’T WANT to go BACK!

I have spent hours scouring adds.  I filled in applications.  I feel desparate.

On Monday I will see the doctor again and she will be able to tell me if my BP problem is acute or if it has been going on longer than I thought.  I have be monitoring my BP and it has dropped way back down to normal since Tuesday.  I notified HR that my doctor may conclude that this is a work related issue and she may not clear me to work midnights (please, oh please!).  Later I recieved a call from HR saying that while the agency is required to accomodate the restriction, my boss is not willing to.  Though I was told when I was hired that I would not be working midnights and I worked my first 6 months only doing about 3 midnights, it would not be possible now.  But may be day positions available in our workshop.  I have also applied for a group home manager position and may interview for that next week.  We will see what happens.  But right now I feel like the stress and awfullness of the last 6 months has come fully to it’s head and I feel emotionally like I want to just lay flat on my back and stare at the ceiling, exhausted.  I don’t WANT to return to work.

We do start a mini vacation on Wednesday.  So I may be back to work 2 days (if they can fit me into the schedule) and then be off for another 5.  We really need it.

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