When Things Don’t Happen As Planned…

April 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm (back to school, Employment, Finances) (, , )

It was such a difficult decision.  So. Difficult.  I had so many emotions running through me and it was a dark weekend for me.

I had been doing poorly in my class.  My one and only class.  The one I had been working towards and had been so excited for for over a year.  At first it wasn’t so poor that I couldn’t bring it back up.  I was confident I would bring it up to a B on my mid-term.  I was confident about the mid-term.  I knew the material.

But the weekend after the mid-term I cried and was depressed and was angry.  My dream was falling apart.  I had one more week to decide if I should risk it.  Out of 250 points for the rest of the class I could only miss 20 to get a B for the semester.

That weekend I decided I needed to drop the class.  This was my ONLY class.  I couldn’t count on any others to bring up my GPA.  I HAD to have a B in order to be considered for grad school.  I was PLANNING to start grad school in the fall.  I would complete it in 3 semesters.  Then things would be better.  My life would change.  Our years of challenges and hard, hard work would come to an end.

I felt like a failure.

I felt stupid.

I felt like I should quit.  Everything.  EVERYTHING.

I didn’t understand what was going on.  I understood the material, despite the crummy textbook and despite the confusing teaching style of my professor.  I worked hard to find answers in other books and online.  I watched youtube videos of Berkeley lectures.

The next Tuesday I went to class, then I went to the peer tutoring I had been attending.  Rahm said he could tell I was understanding the material and doing well at it.  This made me sad and frustrated.  I DID know the material!  It was this horrid anxiety I felt during exams!  I blanked out.  I couldn’t remember things, despite having a formula sheet in front of me.  I even missed a WHOLE PAGE on the mid-term.

I talked to someone from the Department of Students with Disabilities.  They said if you have a diagnosis (what?!  I didn’t even know!) they will allow you to test in a private room and give you time-and-a-half for the exam.  I read up on test anxiety.   I thought about how I talked to my professor and she said there was plenty of time to get the exam done and that the formula sheet was meant to take the anxiety off.  Most students ironically don’t even need the extra time because the pressure it taken off.  One study said students with test anxiety score in the 12th percentile lower than their peers.  One article said test anxiety can start later in a student’s career.  It can start with one bad grade and spiral from there.

I thought about my surprise when I received my first homework assignment.  7.5/10; a C.  I panicked.  I needed the homework grade as a cushion.  She marked off for small computational errors and other minor issues, but I got the concepts correct.

Because of this, I couldn’t even make a case for myself that I was acing the homework, but panicing on the exams.

I realised I would not have time to figure out what is going on and to remedy it before the next quiz.  Nor did we have the money it would take to go through hours of therapy to come to some conclusion.

I HAD to drop the class.  And I waited until the day before the deadline.

So much money lost on the tuition, books, transportation, wages lost for not working.

I decided I would first work on the certificate at Purdue North Central.  I was never very impressed with their program, and now I am even less impressed.  I have been sending emails for 3 weeks to the math department and have heard nothing back.  I looked over the list of classes for the certificate and the list of classes offered last year and the coming semester.  Three out of five of those classes have not been and will not soon be offered.

If I am working on a certificate I do not qualify for FAFSA.

I have been looking at other colleges and universities nearby.  No one offers the program I need.

More frustration.




  1. adventuresinbabywearing said,

    Oh I am so sorry. This is so hard. I really hope there is a reason for all of this that will be made known very soon! I hope you are feeling relieved as the days go by. Answers will come…


  2. Kacie said,

    Awww what a disappointment. That’s okay. Our roomate just had a similar thing – he was failing a class and knew more similar classes were in front of him. It was really tough on his ego and dreams. In the end he switched majors and is excited again… I hope you a good alternative!

    You know, we are looking at a program over the pond. This summer we’re going to my best friend’s wedding in London, and we’ll see Isaac’s parents and they are paying the 30 pounds per person it’ll take to fly us to Ireland. There’s a school there that Isaac could teach at and I could potentially go to the University of Dublin. We’ll see… that’s possible. I’m nervous because I don’t know the system or style of counseling over there. Seeing it will be really helpful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: